Preserving Family Life: Back to Basics of
Good Mothering
It seems
discouraging at times. Motherhood is
bombarded by a shifting world of career minded females who would rather work
than stay home. The media would want us to think that women feel it’s more
important to leave their calling as mother behind than stand up for their
children. Believe it or not the world
doesn’t look highly on the good marks of a mother. Sometimes we hear testimony of sports heroes
or political candidates speak highly of their mothers but over all mothers are
tossed aside in the good news department.
In the world of
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) mothers are highly
regarded as an honorable profession. Motherhood is a great blessing. Mothers
bring children into the world and we can mold and encourage good souls to live
great lives and contribute back into the community.
From “The Radical
Mormon Mother Part II by Tiffany Gee Lewis says, “Even in our culture we’ve
strayed from understanding what a homemaker is supposed to do. We’ve outsourced
our domestic skills, whole-foods cooking, a great portion of the teaching we
should give our children and even our own ability to create.”
The world has
journeyed away in the understanding of good mothering. Babies don’t come with a
how-to manuals and most parents don’t take child development classes as college
students. Future generations must learn from someone or somewhere proper
mothering techniques as we must preserve our family life.
From the words of
Elder M. Russell Ballard-apostle of the Lord from The Church of Jesus Christ of
Latter-day Saints he tells us in April of 2008: “There is no one perfect way to
be a good mother. Each situation is
unique. Each mother has different
challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children.
The choice is different and unique for each mother and each family.”
With those
thoughts in mind here are a few tips for all women whether a mother,
grandmother, aunt, or sister to promote and preserve family life.
- Be the Advocate for Your Child: As frustrating as children can be at times, they need someone to stand by them through thick and thin. Who else will stick up for their children but their own mother? Support at school, sports games and other activities, always shows that you take the time to be your child’s advocate. Mothers might not always be in the right place at the time but over all, putting forth the effort by standing up for your child will make a difference in their life.
- Consistent Good Habits are Important: Moms don’t have to be super women. The daily-what seems to be mundane-tasks are important to children. Bedtime routines, mealtime routines and cleaning routines are all important in molding children into productive people. It is a security blanket for every child to know Mom will be there to make sure their life is in order. It won’t be perfect but consistent habits over all can make the difference in the security of a child’s life.
- No Name Calling: Believe it or not, there are mothers who still emotionally abuse their children by calling them names and putting them down. It is a crime and should not continue. Children look to their mothers for support and positive reinforcement. How are they going to function as good citizens if they are always hearing negative words? There are other ways to discipline or teach a child to do what is right besides name calling. That doesn’t mean mothers never get angry. It doesn’t mean we don’t lose our patience. Mothers have an “endure to the end” calling and the more positive we can be to our young children at home the better they will be.
- Instill High Moral Values Early: Our language, entertainment and health habits can be a big example for our children. Mothers don’t want their children to smoke. Most don’t think highly of dirty jokes or pornography. We wouldn’t want them to steal or hurt anyone. Instilling good morals early helps children know where they stand. It’s still in style to treat others as we would like to be treated. As children grow and learn more about their world and what is appropriate behavior, we can be there to guide them through. Of course once a child is 12, they start choosing for themselves what they prefer and mothers always hope their child chooses wisely. Instilling these values early can start a child on the right foot.
Motherhood can be overwhelming but it is certainly most
rewarding. Not every child will make good choices. Not every child will do as they are told but
if we put the time in raising our children who are taught correct principles
and live consistent lives in a supportive home, we can know we did all we could
to bring good people into the world.
As Elder Ballard said back in
April of 2008: “There is no role in life more essential and more eternal than
that of motherhood.” I couldn’t agree
more.
Armor of God: Great
Protection for Families
As Christian families, we have all been admonished,
exhorted, and counseled, from many sources on how important parents and
children are in a family. We all want to learn to get a long with each other
and we know the end goal of where we want to be after our life on earth has
finished.
From The Church
of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church),
President Boyd K Packer spoke to the youth on January 22nd of 2013
during the 100 Years in Seminary broadcast. He said “…our youth are being
raised in enemy territory…. he (the Adversary) is in homes, entertainment, the
media, language—everything around you.” That is a scary statement. As parents,
aunts, uncles, grandparents—we need to arm our youth with the gospel of Jesus
Christ and be a good example. We also
need good role models so our youth will have someone to look up to in as a
righteous disciple of Christ.
Ephesians 6: 11-12 says, “Put on the whole armor of God that ye may be able to
stand against the wiles of the devil. For
we wrestle not against flesh and blood,
but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of
this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”
As parents we all wrestle against the powers of darkness. We are
dealing with difficulties which are particular to our day. This armor is helpful to all of us. Verse 13 says: “Wherefore take unto you the
whole armor of God that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having
done all, to stand.” With Paul’s great wisdom –we can all withstand the evil of
the day.
Imagine a full body of armor as we would see back from the Medieval
Days:
Each piece has a special purpose:
From Ephesians we read:
14: Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and
having on the breastplate of righteousness;
16: Above all, taking the shield of faith,
wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.
Former President and Prophet of the LDS
Church, Harold B. Lee spoke to Brigham Young University
students back in 1954 about this very topic and said:
“We have the four parts of the body that … [are] the most vulnerable
to the powers of darkness:
1. The loins, typifying virtue, chastity; girt about with truth.
2. The heart --typifying our
conduct. (Breastplate and shield)
3. Our feet, our goals or objectives in life are shod with preparation
of the gospel of peace.
4. Our head, which are our thoughts.” (helmet)
As
parents we need to concentrate on these areas creating an armor which will
withstand the arrows and darts of darkness.
1. Loins Girt about with Truth: Our scriptures are our truth which we need to
read each day as a family. We find truth attending our church meetings, reading
the scriptures and uplifting, inspirational material. In all these places we
are spiritually uplifted and arm ourselves in keeping ourselves safe from the
fiery darts of the wicked.
From that same talk
from the seminary broadcast. President
Packer admonishes our youth to “get wisdom is
the principal thing; therefore get wisdom, with all thy getting, get [going!]”.
There is wisdom in listening to our Latter-day
prophets. One piece of wisdom and truth
comes from “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” which was published in
1995 by the LDS Church. Although quoted many times, we
need to remind ourselves again and again what we can do as parents to keep our
families in tact and happy.
One part in particular is
especially helpful from the proclamation:
“The family is ordained of
God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children
are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a
father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. Happiness in
family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of
the Lord Jesus Christ. Successful marriages and families are established and
maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect,
love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.”
Now this isn’t written to
help parents feel guilty. This was written to remind us of what is
important. As M. Russell Ballard,
Apostle of the LDS
Church tells us in a talk
in the October General Conference of 2005 that The Family: A Proclamation to
the World is a clarion call to protect and strengthen families. A clarion is an ancient trumpet with a curved
shape, many times used for a battle call. This visual metaphor is an appropriate
name as we are in a battle for our families to be protected. There are so many
sources from the Gospel of Jesus Christ that we can use and The Family: A Proclamation
to The World is just one of them.
2. Breastplate of Righteousness: The topical guide for Righteousness in the
Bible says this: Equity ; God,
Perfection of ; God,
the Standard of Righteousness ; Godliness ; Good Works ; Holiness ; Honesty ; Integrity ;Judgment ; Priesthood,
Qualifying for ;Righteous ; Sanctification ; Truth ; Uprightness; Walking
with God.
Those are a lot of words describing righteousness but one
word in particular rea lly sums it all up: Sanctification. This word best
describes what the breastplate of righteousness means. If we are sanctified, then we want to be
righteous and we can be guided by the Spirit in what we should be doing. The breastplate also guards the heart which
3. Feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace: From that talk at BYU--President Lee says, “And then he (meaning Paul) said we would have the
feet shod with the kind of armour that would protect our feet, suggesting the
feet as the objectives, the goals of life which we should have guided by some
kind of armour and protected from getting off on the wrong foot.”
We all have a purpose. We all know that eventually we will return
back to our Heavenly Father’s presence with our families around us. We all want to be there so we need our purpose
right in front of us. With our feet shod
with the preparation of the Gospel of Peace, we can walk in the right direction
being protected from the darts of wickedness.
4. Shield of faith: The shield covering our hearts can help us
to shield away from spiritual wickedness.
Faith is an ongoing process. We start out with just a tiny seed of faith
and as we continue to attend our meetings, pray every day and read our
scriptures—this faith will grow and we can point our shield out in front of us
push away temptation.
5. Helmet of salvation:
The helmet covers our head. Our thoughts are disciplined to be kind to
others. Our thoughts are important because as we think, we also do. Keeping our
thoughts with the goal of righteous living in front of us, helps us as families
to stay righteous. From The Book of Mormon, a righteous King Benjamin addresses
uss to watch our thoughts. He says, “But
this much I can tell you, that if ye do not watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds, and observe the commandments of
God, and continue in the faith of what ye have heard concerning the coming
of our Lord, even unto the end of your
lives, ye must perish. And now, O man, remember, and perish not.”
Our Father in Heaven wants us to be successful. He wants us
to be happy so He gives us these tools to help us which will help our children.
6. Sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God: The word of God is essential to our armor. We can find the word of God in our
scriptures as we read each day to find encouraging words to keep us safe.
How important we are as parents. We are entrusted with these special spirits
from our Father in Heaven. Sherri Dew, a
former 2nd councilor in the General Relief Society presidency
(Women’s Organization in the LDS Church) and CEO of Deseret Book once said in a talk
about women: “If we would unleash the
full influence of covenant keeping women, the kingdom of God
and the world would change overnight.”
That is an incredible statement. If we all lived up to our potential as
parents—how wonderful this world would be in fighting the adversary. Many of us do wonderful jobs teaching and
helping our own children live the gospel of Jesus Christ. Many of us follow all
the teachings of the gospel and still we have children who choose the worse
path. Many parents deal with this challenge
and all we can do is love them and pray for them. All we can do is be a positive force in their
life so they know we love them.
As it says in Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will
not depart from it.”
Families can be protected from “enemy territory”. We
can recognize the adversary in our life and choose the better path. With the help of the armor of God in all areas of
our life, we can encourage and support each other in our families to make good
choices and set a good example for others who are struggling.
General conference reference talk:
Videos:
Courageous Parenting: Teenagers Are Fun
Teenagers are fun. That statement draws a lot of
attention. Some parents are
afraid of their teenagers, while others enjoy the time their children are in
their teens. It takes
courageous parents to guide their teenage children through the pit falls and
bumps in their early life. Teenagers are hanging on the eve of adulthood
and it’s their last ditch effort to fulfill what they consider being
“themselves”. Many have
passions about what they do and it shows in their actions. Others pass through
quietly and contribute thoughtfully. One thing for sure, there is a lot more
activity with a house full of teenaged children than with a house full of two
year olds. Reflection and words of wisdom can help parents understand their
teenage children so life runs smoother and safer especially those families of
Christian/Judean ethics. Here are a few:
Parents Can Lay the Foundation: Children between the ages of 13 and 19 keep homes very
invigorated and parents young as during adolescent time great changes take
place in body and mind. Parents
should pay particular attention to what their teens do instead of turning a
deaf ear to their activity. Granted, a two-year old will try to please his
parents and for the most part, they go along with clothing choices, most foods
to eat and bed time rules. But a teen causes parents to think through religious
beliefs, moral judgments and why we should eat nutritious food for lunch
instead of potato chips and soda pop. Teens, who are grounded in righteous
endeavors typically will be more successful in this difficult world. Words of
wisdom could never be truer from David B. Haight, a member of the Quorum of the
Twelve, church leader for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS)
back in April
of 2003. From a talk given he says: “Though the world is becoming more
wicked, the youth of Christ’s church can become
more righteous if they understand who they are, understand the blessings
available, and understand the promises God has made to those who are righteous,
who believe, who endure. All of our youth are entitled to and need this
knowledge to combat the forces of deception that would lead them captive into
darkness.”
Teens might think their parents are too strict with high
morals but adolescent children know where they stand and that their parents’
care enough to enforce sensible values.
Teens Need Attention Too: Some might consider teenagers very
immature but there is a fine line to immaturity and just being fun. A common characteristic of teenagers
is the fact that many times, the whole world revolves around them and any
negative situations they experience will go down in the history books as the
worst occurence of their lives. (Even
if they were the cause of it.) Yes,
they are the “drama queens and kings” of life, but their perspective is an
interesting one. Granted some of our teens have had to endure some pretty
awful experiences that did go down in the history books as the worst ever, for
example, the Columbine High School shootings, but for the most part teens
overreact in their quest for adulthood. Parents
need compassion and fairness in dealing with the life of their teen as well as
attention to the details of their lives. They are not done with parenting a
child after 13. This is where the courage to be a good parent comes in handy as
we are entrusted to train our children to put their best foot forward. From another LDS church leader, President
David O. McKay who was quoted in Treasures
of Life,(Deseret Book Company, 1965, p. 71.) “What must the Lord think,
then, of parents who, through their own negligence or wilful desire to indulge
their selfishness fail properly to rear their children, and thereby prove
untrue to the greatest trust that has been given to human beings?” The teenage
years can be some of the most difficult for a child and parents can be a great
source of strength during those demanding times.
Don’t Let Age Fool You: Even though adolescents are old enough
to take care of their physical needs, they are not always old enough to take
care of their emotional needs. Parents
should be home when their teens are home. Be there before school and
after. That gray area of
life between childhood and adulthood takes a good listening ear and the
foresight of a prophet.
According to a Steinberg study in 1996
as related in an article “Depression and Suicide in Adolescents” by Cara
Fausty, 1 in 3 adolescents has contemplated suicide and 1 in 6 adolescents have
attempted suicide. During
the teenage years, there are such feelings of inadequacy and awkwardness that
sometimes it’s hard to know how to handle in life. Plus the fact that there are many
external difficulties like parents divorcing or a separation of family, or a
death of a loved one that it’s no wonder teens have a hard time coping. From another church leader of the
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, President Ezra Taft Benson said at
a conference in October of 1982, “The family is the
most effective place to instill lasting values in its members. Where family
life is strong and based on principles and practices of the gospel of Jesus Christ, these
problems do not as readily appear.”
Teens in their own right could be a great influence for
doing good or a bad influence for getting into a lot of trouble. With the help of parents, church youth
leaders, teachers and friends, the life of a teen can be a positive experience
for everyone involved as everyone should know: Teenagers are fun.
Around
The Kitchen Table: Families Communicating Together
From
the time that my oldest child (I have nine) could talk, we have eaten dinner
together around the kitchen table. Even
with the interruption of TV shows, sporting events and unwilling participants,
I have always thought that eating dinner together at least 3 days a week was
important. I didn’t know why I felt this
way, but I did and insisted that we sit down to dinner together as many times
as we could during the week. I have
given in every so often to a “picnic” dinner in front of the television or
eating in shifts at certain times but for the most part I have been successful
in scheduling dinner times together and it was a good time for me to check in
with my children. Today, 30 years later,
we are still doing this with my youngest three and many times our dinner
conversations would be the start of a great evening.
There
has been so much written about the importance of spending time with our
children and how parents should check in with their children’s lives. According to the National Center
on Addiction and Substance Abuse (CASA),
“’Parent Power’ is the most potent and underutilized tool to prevent teen
substance abuse.” What better way to get
closer to your children on a regular basis than eating dinner together at the
end of the day? CASA believes
dinnertime is so important that they launched an annual event called “Family
Day-A Day To Eat Dinner With Your Children.”
They chose the 4th Monday in September each year to
especially schedule a meal with your children. But we don’t have to wait until
September to eat dinner together. We can
plan it any day we like. Some families
plan special dinners on a weekly basis everyone to be home as in a Sunday
afternoon. This helps keep a continuing schedule of family time together each
week. Other families schedule meal times around weekly activities. Whichever way you do it, the important thing
is to follow through and do it.
In a General
Conference talk from April 2003, L. Tom Perry, one who is an apostle from the
Quorum of the Twelve, a church leader over the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter
Day Saints, reminds us how important families are in a “world of uncertainty
and turmoil”. He tells us: “..it is more important than ever to make our families the
center of our lives and the top of our priorities. We need
to make our homes a place of refuge from the storm, which is increasing in
intensity all about us.”
Looking
through a Better Homes and Gardens magazine at the doctor’s office a while ago,
I found a great advertisement paid for by the Office of the National Drug
Control. Pictured was a family of six
sitting around the table about to eat dinner and the ad said: “Studies show
that kids who are closer to their parents are less likely to engage in risky
behaviors.” Happy, stable children are more motivated to excel and set
realistic goals for themselves. The time around the dinner table helps parents
interact with their own children in a comfortable setting. Children and parents are not always perfect
together but communication is always better when the family is relaxed which
creates stronger bonds. Even for
children with step-parents living in the home which can create awkward moments,
eating together breaks the ice for everyone and communication can be
successful.
From
June 2000, Parent Magazine, Ron Taffel suggests picking a night during the week
and switching seats at the dinner table.
He says the “sense of novelty leads to fewer fights between kids and
less wrangling over table manners.”
Everyone would get a different perspective.
A
check in with children (especially school aged) is so important. If the idea of dinner every night is
overwhelming, start with once a week.
Dinners don’t have to be fancy or even homemade. They don’t even have to be in the
kitchen. Pick a spot comfortable for
everyone without distraction. Talking
comes freely and parents will be surprised at some of the topic
conversations. As Ann Landers has said many
times about eating together: “The point is to spend time with your children,
talking about their day and yours, finding ways to work through problems and
letting your children know you are available.”
So break out the napkins and utensils and plan
a great meal with your children and make your home a place of refuge from the
storms of life.
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